People don't fear change, they fear loss.

Apparently this is something people say, but I never heard it until this week, in an email newsletter from Bullet Journal, and it struck me because much of what I do, the freedom and respect I offer to help families build for themselves, requires A LOT of change- from mindsets and habits to physical environments.

Change isn't scary because you are getting something new, change is scary because you are afraid of losing what you have. Even changes you truly deeply desire require letting something else go, and it's scary even if you truly want to be rid of the old situation. Why is that?

The most common example of this is that of the abuse victim who continues to stay with and/or return to their abuser. Many victims never leave, even though they know that there are safer ways to live. Many who do leave, do so only temporarily, and end up going right back to the situation they left. There can be many reasons for this, but the one I've heard the most is that these situations are the victim's comfort zone, they say things like "At least I know what to expect." They truly believe that keeping whatever social security they have in that situation is better than avoiding the damage it causes. They are afraid to lose the supposed affection of their abuser, and believe they can never find feelings of love again. In other words, they are afraid to lose what social acceptance they have, and believe they will be alone forever if they let it go.

(Sidenote: I would also add that many of these victims were raised in homes where abuse was conflated with, and rationalized as, protection- ranging from serious abuse to using physical violence and/or emotional behavioral modification as discipline. People who have been mentally, emotionally, and/or physically abused, and told it was out of love, grow up believing the received violence is an act of love and protection. In these cases, the perpetrator usually believes that violence is the only way to make someone understand the severity of the danger in their situation. It is the same as children who grow up seeing their parents be jealous come to believe that true love must always be jealous. Neither of these things are actually true, and this is a great example of how a child's understanding of their world is formed out of what is modeled for them. I digress, back to the point...)

Homeschooling is the same.

In our abuse example, we hear things like: "They only hit me because they love me. Their violence is the only way to keep me safe, especially from myself. No one else could ever love me like they do, what would I do if I lost their love and protection?"

In parenting and home education, we hear things like:

"If we homeschool, we are refusing the guarantee of a real education. Our children might have knowledge gaps. How will we know for certain that they are learning enough if we do not follow rigorous academic and testing schedules? What if we miss something? If we treat our children with respect, how will they learn how to treat other adults?" Which roughly translates to: "How can we prove to our people that we are good parents making good kids into good people and thereby protect our status as valuable members of the community if we don't do what everyone else believes is the best course of action? Will the tribe exile us if my child calls out another adult when the adult is behaving poorly?"

"We all went to school and got spanked, and we are fine!" translates to: "My parents sent me to school, and all my friends send their kids to school. We all endured forms of physical punishment as kids, and all my friends use it on their kids. Will my family and friends think I believe they are bad parents for doing these things? Will they think I am a bad parent if I don't? Will my children resent me for making them different?"

"I'll lose all my friends and never have any friends again!" becomes: "It is really hard to make friends and maintain relationships in school. It is all I can do to just not mess up, to do all he right things so I can be a part of a circle of friends. I've put so much effort into this. If making friends is this hard, I don't want to start over. I can't lose these friends, because I'll never be able to make any new ones, it's too hard."

Choosing respectful parenting and/or homeschooling or unschooling instead of following the mainstream authoritarian parenting and compulsory schooling models is the same. Families don't fear treating their children with respect or doing education differently, they are afraid to lose the feelings of safety and security associated withfollowing and believing in the system. Parents aren't even afraid that choosing alternative methods of education or relationships will make them a bad parent, quite the contrary, they desire these options because they feel they will make them better parents. What they are actually afraid of, in most cases, is losing their social status, that their tribe will no longer see them as good parents.

Children are not afraid of making new friends, they are afraid of losing their current friends, even if these are simply age mates they happen to get along with well enough to not upset the system that forces them to be together. This was the case for our then 8 year old daughter, when we left the system. She actually realized all on her own that her supposed school friends weren't real friends, and that is when she became excited to homeschool, when she realized she would have the opportunity to choose who she spent time with and would be able to make friends based on mutual interests instead of forced proximity. 

All of these examples are about losing social approval and acceptance.

Exile equals death.

We fear these losses so deeply our survival mechanisms will feed us any excuse to rationalize never even considering that what we are clinging to might be hurting us. We believe the loss of what we have far outweighs any possible benefit of different choices. Never mind that what we believe we have isn't real; compulsory school only pretends to promise a good education while its own testing proves otherwise, authoritarian parenting doesn't guarantee successful children, only estranged ones.

This is a hardwired survival mechanism, and completely normal. You are not dysfunctional or stupid or brainwashed to feel this way. Humans are social creatures, and the acceptance of one's tribe meant the difference between life and death for many millennia. The problem is that our consensus reality- how we all agree what is real and true- has been hijacked by mass media indoctrination systems that do not care what is best for everyone, only a select few. Again, I digress... for more on this, go read my full post about it here.

We must learn to think critically about our choices.

If we are going to fix the problems with schooling and parent-child relationships, we need to take a step back from point blank social catastrophe to ask some very simple questions about parenting and education, think critically, and follow the logic to its conclusion. 

What is a good education? Who decided this, and what did they base their opinions on? How do you get a good education? Does sending your child to school guarantee they will receive one? Does homeschooling or unschooling  offer better or worse results? What costs- physical, emotional, mental, financial, social, time- are associated with any of these choices? Which choice offers the best benefits and outcomes for the most acceptable costs?

These should be a simple cost/benefit analysis, but we usually never get to these questions because we are too afraid to look. We know once you see something that you cannot unsee it, and we aren't willing to risk our social standing to find out the truth. People would rather remain uninformed and chance failure and ruin and choose unhappy unfulfilling lives for themselves and their children than risk exile from their current comfort zone because at least if they fail, they can blame it on the system or their parents and say "no one ever told me!" When in all reality, they choose not to look. In the days before the internet, many people did not know about alternative education methods, or their legality, there was no one to ask what might happen if children aren't trained to obedience. We no longer have that excuse. 

Why did your parents send you to school? Why did they use the parenting methods they used? Why did your friends choose the options they chose for parenting and education? Are any of those valid reasons for you to make the same choices? The same questions should be asked about athletics, clubs, homeschooling, unschooling, parenting styles, summer camps, social experiences, college, military service, vocations, jobs, hobbies... any occupation of your time and life.

Do you actually know how your family and friends would react if you followed their choices, or chose differently? Why do you feel their acceptance of you is conditional, specifically on these particular choices? If they are so identified with these choices and you desire to choose differently, are you actually a good fit for this relationship, or would you be better off finding a new community? If you choose differently than what the people you're close with have chosen or would choose, and you decide you want to continue the relationship, how can you help them understand that your choices do not mean you hold any judgement against them, anymore than if you chose to wear a color that isn't their favorite?

How do you actually feel in your current friendships? Is it actually hard to make friends, or does the difficulty stem from the environment? Would it be easier to find people you truly enjoy being with in a different environment? How does the environment impact relationship building? Does being in forced proximity (and forced competition) with people you didn't choose create a system of forced relationships and a false culture? How often do adult relationships hinge on a shared work place, and what happens to those friendships when someone moves on? If you leave this environment, how can you preserve the friendships you care about? Where and how can you find people with common interests and make real friends? What do you desire in a relationship? How can you find people that fit your relationship needs? What are your current relationships based on? You may feel some of these questions are asking for the same answer, and you'd be right, but saying things just a little differently allows different people to hear what they  can understand.

In mainstream culture, people would rather be willfully uninformed and keep their supposed peace and social comfort and security than find out the truth, and risk losing those things, even if the truth might support their current beliefs. They value comfort over knowledge. They value security over fulfillment and joy and freedom.

Not me, not anymore. I choose truth, knowledge, autonomy, and authenticity. I choose consciousness and enlightenment. I choose respectful parenting and unschooling. 

I know what the compulsory school system promises. I know how often they fail to deliver on those promises. I know what they are actually doing. I know they have built a whole culture around a system to protect their status quo, where we all suffer for their benefit. I know they are using mass media to constantly socialize us to uphold their system, no matter the cost to us, our children, and our families, whether or not they deliver their promised good education and all the attendant opportunities. I know they don't care that it harms millions of people for the benefit of a tiny percentage. 

I know I can offer my children better family relationships, a better education, and better social opportunities than school can. I know I can help them find better mentors, models, and friends than the system offers. I know I can do it without using behavioral modification techniques and emotional manipulation to train them to unthinking obedience. I know I can do it without coercion, competition, and the many problems schools suffer from. 

My children deserve respect and autonomy, and the chance to live authentically fulfilling lives, and so do I. So do you and your family.

We must deschool ourselves.

Whether we ultimately choose alternative education or choose to use schools, we need to step back from mainstream assumptions and expectations, think critically, and choose our own values and definition of success. That's what I call deschooling.

Want help? I'm starting a deschooling coaching and support program, and I would love to know what you struggle with so that I can help you, and the countless other people having similar experiences. I have lots of my own experience to work with, but nothing beats actual input! While you're at it, I would also love to know what format you learn best from: video, audio, text, or a combination, and what format you prefer for support: in person video or audio conversations, or asynchronous video, audio, or text (where you email me when you want and I get back to you within a set period of time and I have more time to research my answers).

You can do that here.